Archive | November 2012

Rules of Thanksgiving

For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving, here’s some points to remember:

1. Try your best to enjoy the four hour eating and drinking frenzy without killing any relatives

2. Ignore anyone saying ‘Ahh that poor turkey, bless’ – They taste good and you know it!

3. Vegetarians and Vegans – Don’t spend your day saying ‘Ahh that poor turkey, bless’, think of the vegetables that you murder on a daily basis. Yes that noise IS the veg tapping on the inside of the oven door trying to get out , and yes that is their muffled cries of ‘Let us out, it’s bleeding hot in here!!’ (All vegetables speak with an English accent)*

4a. All men make sure you sit and watch the game

4b. All women make sure the men don’t sit and watch the game

4c. See number 1

5. Be very wary of any seemingly over made-up tranvestite Native Americans, knocking on your door claiming to be bringing ‘More Gifts’ to make your stay in the country more comfortable, this could lead to a disruption of Football watching, due to an imminent decapitation.

6. If someone says ‘Pass the Aubergine’, don’t just stare open mouthed, passed the freakin’ Egg Plant.

7. Enjoy your holiday

Disclaimer: The phrase ’seemingly over made-up tranvestite Native Americans’ has no bearing on the Native American culture, it’s just that when they’re pissed off they tend to over-do the make-up!

* All except for Garlic Bulbs, which are very French! They would say something like “Excuse-moi, eet ees vary ‘ot in ‘ere, perapps you cood free uz?”