I thought I’d share a lovely little story, that I overheard on the train tonight. It’s a story about Russell Brand and if Russell – Wait, can I call him Russell? I mean it’s not like we’re friends, I’ve never even met him! Nevermind – if Russell reads this, I think he’d enjoy it. I’ll call them, woman 1 and woman 2. Now just to make sure everyone’s on the same page, having seen them, I use ‘woman’ in the loosest terms (Ouch!)
Woman 1: Have you heard my Russell Brand story?
Sorry to interrupt so quickly in the story, but she sounded about 50, so my ears pricked up a bit. Hold on a minute! What’s our national treasure been up to now?! Okay, I’ll continue…
Woman 2: No!
Woman 1: Oh, well my daughter (Mary – Real name, because that’s the way I roll!), went to a show at the London Apollo and then to an after party.
Woman 2: And she slept with Russell Brand?
Woman 1: No, don’t be silly, she would never do that!
Okay, lying mother, what can you do?!
Woman 2: Oh (Sounding very disappointed), so this party…
Woman 1: Yeah. Oh! Funny story, Mary was there and Pauline Quirke turned up to collect her son, in her slippers!!
I’m assuming SHE was wearing her slippers, not her son.
Woman 1 (Cont.): Well, they recognised her and dragged her into the party!
Oh, now I’m jealous! After party with Pauline Quirke? R-O-C-K-I-N!!
Woman 2: No!!!!!
Woman 1: Yeah. Anyway, Russell Brand came up to Mary and said “Why don’t you come back to my place?”
FUCK! NEVER thought that line would EVER work!
Woman 2: So she DID sleep with him?
Woman 1: NO!
Okay, so the line didn’t work?
Woman 1: But she gave him her number.
So it did work? It did, or it didn’t? Make your mind up love, I’ll be at my stop soon!!
Woman 2: Did he call?
Woman 1: Yes, but a few months later
A few MONTHS later? Russell? Random find on your phone was it, Russell? “Who the fuck is Mary? Hmmm I’ll call her”
Woman 1 (Cont.): Yeah at 2AM, one night! Mary came running into my room.
Okay, sharing with your mother. Does it have to be THAT much of a share?
Woman 1 (Cont.): Yeah, 2AM and Mary had a right go “Russell? It’s 2AM” and then she hung up.
Not getting far fetched? Oh, you keep reading!
Woman 1: So, he phoned up 15 minutes later and said that he’d send a car to pick her up. He asked her how far Hampshire was from London and that his driver would be on the way.
Woman 2: So, why was she in your room?
GREAT question! Please, let there be a signal failure. The one time I want one…
Woman 1: Well Robert, Mary’s boyfriend (Real name, because that’s the way I roll), well, he hadn’t been paying her much attention lately and she was actually in bed with him, when he called.
Now, hold on a minute!! “No, don’t be silly, she would never do that!”, wasn’t THAT what you said?
Woman 1: So Mary said, I can’t come over, I’ve got to be at Heathrow in the morning, to go on holiday with my friends. Well, Russell said, that means I won’t see you, because I’m off to Heathrow as well, I’m headed to the US to make a film.
Woman 2: NO!
Woman 2 (Cont.): So, does she regret it?
Woman 1: No, of course not!
Okay, lying mother, what can you do?!
Woman 1: A while later, he was engaged to that Kaley Perry
Woman 2: Kaley Perry? That English singer?
Woman 1: I think she’s Canadian
Woman 2: Oh, I thought she was English
Woman 1: No, I think she’s definitely American
What? Eh? Kaley who?
Woman 2: So he was cheating on Kaley Perry, with your daughter?
Woman 1: No, she wouldn’t sleep with him
Woman 2: So he tried to, when he was engaged?
Woman 1: No, he wasn’t with her when he was after Mary, but it would be an interesting story to tell to the press, maybe if we said that he was with that ‘Perry’ woman.
CHARMIN’!!! My faith in human nature was restored, RIGHT THERE!! Tossers!
“The next station is Farnborough”
So, I think…Should I give them both a slap, as I leave the train, as Russell wasn’t there to defend himself? Can I call him Russell? I mean it’s not like we’re friends, I’ve never even met him!
Then I get up and take a look at them and realise, if I slapped those faces, the RSPCA, or PETA would chase me down in a heartbeat!
Did you enjoy my lovely tale? Beautiful, wasn’t it? I hope Russell gets a chance to read this.
As for Mary and Robert, from Hampshire? Who knows!