White Trainers and Jurassic Park
When you’re out in London at night, or any big City for that matter, have you ever seen the guys that hang around outside bars and theatres? They wait for people to leave the establishment, then ask in a nondescript accent, “Looking for a good night club for late drinks?” Next time you see one of these guys, look a little closer. They’re Green! Seriously, they’re a strange shade of green! Now blue I can understand. They’re out late, it might be cold, but green? We were stood outside ‘The Arts’ the other week and we saw some of these guys walk up. They were straight in, asking the first person that walked by. Now either Aliens have been given a new set of rules on the whole abduction front, i.e. they can’t just swipe you, you’ve got to go willingly, or there’s something else at work. It was only as we stood there for a while, that I noticed something else. They only jumped on people that were moving! We’d been stood there for ages and they hadn’t approached us. Did we not look good enough to be invited to their Anal Probe party? However, it wasn’t that. A woman who was stood next to us for a while, she shifted slightly and BAM! They pounced! Hold on a sec, I’ve seen Jurassic Park!! Green skin? Pounced only on those that moved? These were no Aliens, they were Tyrannasaurs! No wonder they had to ask, they could hardly shove flyers in your face with those tiny arms! Just be careful if you see these green-skinned ‘PR’ people. Just be very fucking still. Your life may depend on it!
So, shiney new, white Nike trainers! They’re nice aren’t they? Not if they’re been worn by someone asking for money on the street. Not when they’re joined in the ‘ensemble’ by a new pair of Armani jeans! “Spare some change for some food?”. Oh you little monkey, you nearly fooled me with your tale of woe! I would and happily do, give money to people who ask on the street, but I have to believe! Be honest. Be honest, and someone will give you some money. A guy selling ‘The Big Issue’ came up to me. “Big Issue?”, “No, thanks”, I replied. He then followed it up with “Okay then. How about some money towards a Kebab?”. Yes, here you go, go and get a Kebab. Be honest! A previous incident, saw a guy approach me and say “I’ve been living on the streets for ages and I could really do with a beer, could you spare some change?” Yes, yes I can! Be honest! Please note, these people were not wearing shiney new, white Nike trainers! So we got on the train and we hear “Excuse me everyone, sorry to disturb you”, okay, good start, nice and polite. “I’ve sold my last Big Issue and I need another £3.50 to be able to get a bed in a hostel tonight”. Okay, sounds honest enough. So Louise gives him some money, then calls him back and gives him more, enough to cover his £3.50 that he needs (She’s nice like that). He looks bemused and says ‘Bless you’, which was nice, as she didn’t even sneeze! However, there seemed more to his bemused look than shock. It could well have been “Oh God! I said that I only needed £3.50, now I’ve got it. What do I do now? By rights, I should be off the train and happily on my way to the hostel to sleep in my warm bed! I’ve at least got to go through the next carriage quietly, or they’ll hear me still asking for my £3.50! What do I do? Oh who cares! They know the score, I’m not wearing Nike trainers and besides, this time of night the hostel’s full of rich friends of Eli Roth chopping people up!”
Disclaimer: I have no evidence that Night Club ‘PR’ guys are actually Tyrannasaurs (Yet!) Nor can I prove that they are not actual ‘PR’ guys, or Aliens. Just be warned, if they are Night Club ‘PR’ guys or Aliens and you go with them, you’re going to get shafted either way! On another note
…Sorry, there was a T-Rex staring through my window!