Archive | June 2009

I Had No Book To Read On The Plane.

I had no book to read on the plane.

Louise and I were at LAX recently, waiting for our flight back to dear old Blighty, when Louise mentioned that I should buy a book to read on the plane.

Realising that there was bugger all on the ‘Entertainment’ system on the way back home (American Airlines – Never again!), I decided this was a good idea.

Anyone that knows LAX will know there’s nothing really there…but there is a small bookshop, so I made my way across to it.

Whilst I was browsing, I overheard two Women talking about a book and in fact books in general. I won’t use their real names here, because I don’t know them,

however, if I did, they’d be plastered all over this blog!! We’ll call them ‘Lady1’ and ‘Lady2’ to be polite!!

So their conversation went something like this:

Lady1 (Picking up a book): Is this difficult to read? It’s got very small writing and I like books with big writing

Lady2 (Looking at the book): It might be. So you like big print then?

Lady1: Yes, rather than this chicken scratch!

Lady2: It’s a big book too, lots of pages to read!

Lady1: Yes, but I guess they had to squeeze all of the film into it

Now at this point something strange happened…I went deaf, with just my heartbeat audible. You now that cool/weird camera zoom/focus effect that they do?

Like when Roy Scheider is sat on the beach in Jaws and a shark appears in the water? There must be a name for it, I bet Dawson Leary would know!

Anyway…that’s what people would have seen if they were looking at me at that moment! Everything then slowed down as I noticed ‘Lady1′ turning the book over.

Two thoughts crossed my mind…’Please let it be a joke’ and ‘Please let it be a movie novelisation’, but no such luck!! The book was turned, revealing the title.

‘The Da Vinci Code’!!!

I felt the colour drain from my face…in a daze, I dropped the book I was holding (Another movie book…War and Peace!) and seemed to drift back to the departure lounge where Louise was waiting.

I had no book to read on the plane.

You Can’t Stop the Blog!

Blog is a trap!

You first think ‘There’s no way I’m going to blog…no way’
You then think ‘Well summink’s just happened, I’ll write a blog’

This is when your problems really start. It starts creeping more and more into your thoughts to the point that you make mental notes on inane events so you can blog about them later. Then comes the real issue. You want people to read it. I mean, what’s the point in writing down anything if no-one will read it? Yeah, yeah, don’t give me that crap about just venting, or it makes you feel better writing your feelings down, you WANT people to read it. Then, sweet Jesus, you want people to comment on it…yes you do, oh yes you do! So what do you do now? Do you think, I’ll stop, I’ll stop now before it’s too late? But it’s already too late. You can’t help yourself…You write more blogs, then more again…Oh my God please someone help!!! You stare at the screen, your hands are shaking, hovering above the keyboard and you realise…You’ve got bloggers block! You want to blog, but you can’t, but you’ll keep trying until you find that ultimate blog, where everyone will want to read it and comment on it.

You pick up the phone in a last desperate attempt to stop. You dial Bloggers Anonymous…but there’s no answer, just a voicemail saying ‘There’s no-one here to take your call at the moment, please read our latest blog to find alternative contact details’ Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhh!!!

You then finally become resigned that you blog…yes, you blog!!

So go ahead, jump on it, it’s no issue, you can give up anytime!!! No really.

Blog is a trap!

Playboy Press Release!

This is amazing!! Playboy’s latest product press release, then one of my own 😉

Enjoy!!

LOS ANGELES, Feb 19, 2008 (BUSINESS WIRE) — Playboy and Play Beverages LLC are
thrilled to announce the launch of the ultra-sexy, incredibly invigorating
Playboy Energy Drink. With subtle notes of fruit and vanilla, this proprietary
formula contains ginseng root, guarana extract and damiana leaf, ingredients
that are believed to stimulate energy levels. Available in two varieties,
regular and sugar-free, Playboy Energy is now available in the Boston area and
will roll out to Miami, Las Vegas and Los Angeles this March.

“Playboy Energy was created to give consumers a taste of the lifestyle that has
always been associated with the Playboy brand,” says Sarah Haney, vice
president, licensing, Playboy Enterprises, Inc. Already creating buzz in
Hollywood, pre-launch cans were on-hand at exclusive events around town.
Celebrities were spotted drinking the not-yet-available beverage at summer
soirees including the Polaroid Beach House in Malibu.

“The functional beverage category continues to expand at light speed, and we’ve
seen many players both large and small emerge with new brands,” says Robert
Nistico, president of Play Beverages LLC. “The Playboy Rabbit Head Icon is among
the most recognized brand icons globally and affords us instant recognition and
credibility in this dynamic category – all of which will ultimately translate to
trial and repeat purchases.”

Playboy Energy Drink was introduced to college campuses earlier this year
through a promotional bus tour in Southeast markets, among them: Columbia, South
Carolina; Jacksonville and Tallahassee, Florida; Athens, Georgia; New Orleans
and Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Nashville, Tennessee; Tuscaloosa, Alabama;
Louisville, Kentucky; Dallas, Houston and Austin, Texas.

Playboy Energy Drink is packaged in an 8.4 oz. black can, made distinctive by
the famous Playboy Rabbit Head Design and colors denoting regular (glowing
orange) or sugar-free (glowing blue). Suggested retail price is $1.99 for an
individual serving, with multi-packs and a 16-oz. serving size on the horizon.

To keep your energy up for those long hard days in the ‘Grotto’?

What’ll be next? Here’s a preview of their marketing for the next range…

Why not try our new Playboy diet microwave meals and see what it’s like to live like a bleached blonde bunny! Choose from one of our fantastic new flavours ‘Air’, ‘More Air’ or ‘Fat-Free Air (TM)’, scientifically proven for weight loss. “We are on the bleeding edge of nutrition and health”, says Dr. Hugh Phelfadat, our scientific expert, “By combining natural resources with glamour, we are revolutionising the way people look at dieting, whilst giving everyday people the chance to feel what it’s like to live in the fast lane”.

The Playboy Diet Microwave Meal range. At only $299.99 each, you’d be a fool not to!

“Wow! Amazing Results” – Weight Watchers

“5 Thumbs Up!” – Inbred Weekly

“Honestly, there are at least 12 pages of sports commentary!” – The Sunday Sport

“I’m Hugh Hefner’s love child” – 1.3 Million people (Too many to list individually)

Disclaimer: Using Playboy products will not turn you into a Playboy bunny, nor will it make you more attractive to Playboy bunnies. Side effects may include; Extreme dizziness, extreme embarassment and hair folical bleaching. Playboy products should be used as part of a balanced diet.

McDeaths?

Is it me, or is anyone else fed up listening to people bitch and moan about McDonald’s and other fast foods this year? Seriously! Even Prince Charles has been jumping on the bandwagon here in the UK, saying that we should ban them. There was a TV programme on the other month about a kid who was 14 stone, or something and yet again it’s kicked off a bunch of people bitching. Christ, blame the sodding parents for letting him get that size, not McDonald’s! “Oh, I don’t know why my son’s 14 stone!”…eeerrrrrr It’s because you feed him rubbish! I mean you’d have to be living on the Moon not to know that fast food might be fattening! In fact, there are probably two Martians having a picnic up there right now; “Have you heard? Fast food might be fattening!”, “No way Sherlockspolli, thanks for the scoop!”. Ever heard on freedom of choice? If you want to eat fast food, eat it! You know it’s probably bad for you, but it’s your choice. If you’re a parent, don’t constantly feed you kids shit! Is it not common sense? Fast food might be bad for you and it’s dangerous! We know! Now leave it up to us to decide if we want to eat it or not!

 

Dangerous? Sorry, unless I see a Big Mac firing off an Uzi, gang together with a Whopper and force feed themselves to an unsuspecting passer by, or maybe see one come careening out of left field, knocking someone out into the road to get twatted by a bus, I’m not going to think ‘Dangerous’ is an appropriate description. Now if I did see any of that, I may reconsider, or at least think it had anger management issues!

The only solution I see, is forcing fast food joints to put a big slot on their drive through walls, saying “Insert overweight children for refund”.

Disclaimer: No burgers were eaten during this blog. No children were eaten during this blog. I am not advertising Uzis, I really have no preference on the subject of automatic weapons. In case you were wondering, Sherlockspolli is the Martian for Sherlock (Not very inventive are they?). Just because I’ve mentioned children and ‘Dangerous’ in the same blog does not mean I have made a reference to Michael Jackson. In the use of the word ‘Christ’, I was not trying to offend any religious people, nor was I demanding that Jesus come down from on high and shout his mouth off about parents being responsible for their children. However, they are!

 

Legalise Brothels?

There were three in the bed…

…and the little one said, ‘Let’s legalise Brothels!’

I was loitering around Hyde Park a few months ago, waiting to go into a meeting, when i started looking at a notice board. On the board I found the following notice:

Basically, it is a notice about Brothels and prostitution. Here in the UK the Home Office have put forward a bill to legalise Brothels of up to three Women. This is due to the fact that prostitution is not illegal if it’s carried out in a private home, as long as there is not more than one prostitute there. If there were more than one, that would be considered a Brothel, which is illegal. Due to dangers that could exist, the Government is saying that if they allow up to three Women together, they’d be safer and under less risk of harm. Hyde Park council are saying that this would be a disaster, as pimps would take over the Brothels, so they think licensing should be put into place.What’s next? A lap dancing and pole dancing carriage on every train, over or underground? I think I’ll write up a business plan! Remember, I thought of it first, don’t steal my idea!!!!! I mean, sure, James Leary and I sat on a Cruise ship and came up with an idea of putting a lap dancing club on every cruise liner (Yes that’s ours, keep off!), but this would cost less. Plus, on the underground the poles are already there, though there’s not much room for anyone to dance around them, being that people are packed in like Sardines! Just setup one empty carriage per train, charge an entry fee and limit the number of people. That’s it! What’s the Mayor’s number again?

Ideas aside, what about the Gigolos in all this? They might be afraid of getting hurt too, or being alone, but they’ll still have to work! If there are any Gigolos reading this, I’d get straight on the phone to the Gigolo union rep. Seriously, equal rights and all that!

‘Hello, is that the Gigolo’s union?’
‘No, this is Top Man’
‘Can I speak to the Gigolo Union rep please?’
‘No, this is Top Man, we sell clothes, you must’ve phoned the wrong number’
‘But I got it from 118 118!’
‘Okay, I’ll check for you…Hey Antonio, I think it’s for you’

Well you get the picture! I’ll save the full story for my new novel ‘Three little gigolos are we’

Disclaimer: The characters portrayed in this blog are fictional. Any similarity to real persons, living or deceased, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any ideas mentioned within are the legal property of ‘Hello Vicar Ltd’ Copyright 2006.

White Trainers and Jurassic Park

When you’re out in London at night, or any big City for that matter, have you ever seen the guys that hang around outside bars and theatres? They wait for people to leave the establishment, then ask in a nondescript accent, “Looking for a good night club for late drinks?” Next time you see one of these guys, look a little closer. They’re Green! Seriously, they’re a strange shade of green! Now blue I can understand. They’re out late, it might be cold, but green? We were stood outside ‘The Arts’ the other week and we saw some of these guys walk up. They were straight in, asking the first person that walked by. Now either Aliens have been given a new set of rules on the whole abduction front, i.e. they can’t just swipe you, you’ve got to go willingly, or there’s something else at work. It was only as we stood there for a while, that I noticed something else. They only jumped on people that were moving! We’d been stood there for ages and they hadn’t approached us. Did we not look good enough to be invited to their Anal Probe party? However, it wasn’t that. A woman who was stood next to us for a while, she shifted slightly and BAM! They pounced! Hold on a sec, I’ve seen Jurassic Park!! Green skin? Pounced only on those that moved? These were no Aliens, they were Tyrannasaurs! No wonder they had to ask, they could hardly shove flyers in your face with those tiny arms! Just be careful if you see these green-skinned ‘PR’ people. Just be very fucking still. Your life may depend on it!

So, shiney new, white Nike trainers! They’re nice aren’t they? Not if they’re been worn by someone asking for money on the street. Not when they’re joined in the ‘ensemble’ by a new pair of Armani jeans! “Spare some change for some food?”. Oh you little monkey, you nearly fooled me with your tale of woe! I would and happily do, give money to people who ask on the street, but I have to believe! Be honest. Be honest, and someone will give you some money. A guy selling ‘The Big Issue’ came up to me. “Big Issue?”, “No, thanks”, I replied. He then followed it up with “Okay then. How about some money towards a Kebab?”. Yes, here you go, go and get a Kebab. Be honest! A previous incident, saw a guy approach me and say “I’ve been living on the streets for ages and I could really do with a beer, could you spare some change?” Yes, yes I can! Be honest! Please note, these people were not wearing shiney new, white Nike trainers! So we got on the train and we hear “Excuse me everyone, sorry to disturb you”, okay, good start, nice and polite. “I’ve sold my last Big Issue and I need another £3.50 to be able to get a bed in a hostel tonight”. Okay, sounds honest enough. So Louise gives him some money, then calls him back and gives him more, enough to cover his £3.50 that he needs (She’s nice like that). He looks bemused and says ‘Bless you’, which was nice, as she didn’t even sneeze! However, there seemed more to his bemused look than shock. It could well have been “Oh God! I said that I only needed £3.50, now I’ve got it. What do I do now? By rights, I should be off the train and happily on my way to the hostel to sleep in my warm bed! I’ve at least got to go through the next carriage quietly, or they’ll hear me still asking for my £3.50! What do I do? Oh who cares! They know the score, I’m not wearing Nike trainers and besides, this time of night the hostel’s full of rich friends of Eli Roth chopping people up!”

Disclaimer: I have no evidence that Night Club ‘PR’ guys are actually Tyrannasaurs (Yet!) Nor can I prove that they are not actual ‘PR’ guys, or Aliens. Just be warned, if they are Night Club ‘PR’ guys or Aliens and you go with them, you’re going to get shafted either way! On another note

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…Sorry, there was a T-Rex staring through my window!

Time Thieves

So the clocks ‘Go back’ every year and half the people in the US and UK said ‘oooo we gain an hour’, or ‘We get an hours extra sleep’. The fact of the matter is that we don’t. Thanks to Benjamin Franklin, the government have an excuse to steal an hour of our time throughout half the year, lending it back to us for 6 months, then the bastards take it back again! I’m surprised that they actually told us in the first place! I’m surprised that we don’t have to fill in a whole bunch of forms just to claim it back! My question is, what do they do with that hour for those 6 months? I have two theories on this:

1. They ‘Save’ our daylight in the Arctic. Yup, those poor bleeders, like they haven’t got enough sunlight during the summer months, they really don’t need any more daylight stored there, as they spend 6 months of the year pointing towards the Sun! ‘Oh please, no more daylight, we have enough trouble sleeping as it is!’. Then just when they need the daylight, the government give it back to us, claiming we gain an hour.

2. They need the extra hour to open their portal, like the one in that documentary series, ‘Stargate’ I think it’s called, and this portal lets in the Sock and Underpants Gnomes. yes, those little fuckers are controlled by the Government to drive us scatty. They give them specific orders to steal one sock from every 3 pairs and hide all underpants. You know why? Because they know that this’ll make all your family buy you socks and underpants for Christmas, yes the Government have controlling shares in every Sock and Underwear manufacturer in the Northern Hemisphere.

So there you have it, either way it’s all a trick to make us feel grateful for something, so if you get a chance, save your own daylight, especially during the summer months.

Disclaimer: No Gnomes of any kind were harmed during this blog, not because I was being nice, but because I couldn’t catch the little bastards! When I say ‘Save your own daylight’, do not try and touch or catch the Sun! You’ll A, look stupid and B, if miraculously you can reach that far, you’ll burn your hands!